I thought my drinking was still “under control” when my wife’s mother passed away. When my mother passed away less than two months later, I still thought I was “controlling” my drinking. Yes, I drank more than most people, but they didn’t need to know that, so I kept it hidden.
Then I realized I had started “losing time”. I found out that that is known as a “chemically induced state of amnesia,” or a “black-out.” And I was having black-outs more and more often, and it was taking less and less alcohol to get that way. I tried everything I could think of, or think up, or read about, to try as hard as I could to go back to the way it used to be, but I could NOT control my drinking even a little.
After driving home in another black-out, I finally got scared enough of wrecking, or waking up in a hospital again. I gave up, and went to an A.A. meeting. The people there said I was in the right place, and to immerse myself in the Program – that I needed to learn as much as possible as fast as possible.
They said Alcoholism is a disease and they would teach me how they had recovered from it, so I could recover as well. They urged me to choose someone that I got along with, and that I could trust, to be my “sponsor”, which is like a mentor to lead me through the 12 Steps.
That first night was a beginner’s meeting and they talked about the 1st Step. How there could be no reservations at all – in order for this thing to work, we had to completely surrender to the Program. By the end of the meeting, I had decided that ANYTHING was better than the way I had become, so I was all in. That commitment alone lessened that terrible, gnawing urge to drink, enough that I could stay dry and find a sponsor.
While I was working through the 12 Steps with my sponsor, somewhere around the middle of my 8th Step work, I realized the urge to drink was gone. Completely… GONE! Happily, I not only finished the rest of the Steps, but learned how to use them as a NEW WAY OF LIFE!
Now I am truly happy, joyous, and free. Now I know that whatever comes along is not a coincidence, but a lesson for me to learn from. Reacting with anger is no longer an option.
My spiritual life is SOOO different – I found out that the religion I was raised in has a lot of man-made rules that have nothing to do with my loving Higher Power.
My home life is better than it ever was, because I’m no longer an unruly, unreasonable example of self-will run riot. I was always arguing and aggravating my wife, who also changed for the worse to cope with the progression of my disease. Instead, she went through the 12 Steps with her Al-Anon sponsor, and we are now growing together rather than growing apart.